1

18 Holes & A 12-Pack (feat. John Daly) K. Jacob


2

Don't Mess With Texas K. Jacob

Verse 1
Interstate 10, 3 AM
Outside of El Paso
I woke up to sirens &
Cops outside my window

Our driver tried to stall ‘em
While the band stashed all their stuff
Six good ol’ boys came on board &
Searched the bus

Chorus
You have a right to remain silent
Anything you say
Will be used against you in
All sorts of ways

You have a right to an attorney
And a right to go on reckless
This ain’t California, son
Don’t mess with Texas

Verse 2
The biggest one walked up to me
While the others did their thing
Stars on his collar
Stripes on his sleeve

He said, “Tell me friend,
You got pills, guns or weed?”
I’ve got everything you want
What do you need?

Chorus
You have a right to remain silent
Anything you say
Will be used against you in
All sorts of ways

You have a right to an attorney
And a right to go on reckless
This ain’t California, son
Don’t mess with Texas

Bridge
I’m out of jail, out on bail
I’ve got my court date
Caught Johnny, Willie, Snoop-Dogg here
No-nonsense state

Every time I come back through
The badges always check us
I’ve learned one thing, my friend
Don’t mess with Texas

Chorus
You have a right to remain silent
Anything you say
Will be used against you in
All sorts of ways

You have a right to an attorney
And a right to go on reckless
This ain’t California, son
Don’t mess with Texas

Chorus
You have a right to remain silent
Anything you say
Will be used against you in
All sorts of ways

You have a right to an attorney
And a right to go on reckless
This ain’t California, son
Don’t mess with Texas

This ain’t California, son
Don’t fuck with Texas


3

Fishin' With Dad K. Jacob


4

Fell In Love With A Southern Girl K. Jacob

Verse 1
I was that kind of boy
Big cities just turned out
When other kids were good at home
I was hangin’ out

Runnin’ with the wrong crowd, stereo loud,
Drivin’ jacked-up cars
Some stealin’, little dealin’
Had a fake ID for bars

I’d start a fight, open my mouth
Didn’t know what I was talkin’ about
Had a tattoo, an attitude
Long as a rural route

Chorus
I was livin’ the wrong way, every day
Had it all figured out
I was a wise guy, a tough guy
‘Til a Southern girl knocked me out

Turned me ‘round, upside down
Showed me a whole new world
I got lucky in horse country
Fell in love with a Southern girl

Verse 2
She rode horses
Right choices
Sexy little knockout bod

She had a dream
To fall in love
To be a wife & a mom

Loved churches
Heard voices
Her best friend was God

Unlike me
She was pure and sweet
You know we tied the knot

Chorus
I was livin’ the wrong way, every day
Had it all figured out
I was a wise guy, a tough guy
‘Til a Southern girl knocked me out

Turned me ‘round, upside down
Showed me a whole new world
I got lucky in horse country
Fell in love with a Southern girl

Bridge
She was innocent, heaven-sent
Fresh as fallen snow
What she ever saw in me
The devil only knows

I was a lost soul with a hard heart
Not someone you’d wanna meet
Now, I’m a married man to a Southern girl
Ridin’ shotgun with a baby seat

Chorus
I was livin’ the wrong way, every day
Had it all figured out
I was a wise guy, a tough guy
‘Til a Southern girl knocked me out

Turned me ‘round, upside down
Showed me a whole new world
I got lucky in horse country
Fell in love with a Southern girl

Chorus
I was livin’ the wrong way, every day
Had it all figured out
I was a wise guy, a tough guy
‘Til a Southern girl knocked me out

Turned me ‘round, upside down
Showed me a whole new world
I got lucky in horse country
Fell in love with a Southern girl
…you oughta see her


5

Working Girls K. Jacob

Intro
Who needs a model known all over the world
Give this working man a working girl

Verse 1
I like the working girls
I like the way that they move
I like the working girls
And the things that they do

I like the hostess who
Shows me to my seat
I like to follow her
And think of what I’ll eat

I like the teller at the bank
When she counts out my cash
I like that Sunset Plaza waitress
Who almost made me crash

Chorus
They understand
The value of a buck
They know hard work
And they like to whoa!

Who needs a model
Known all over the world
Give this working man
A working girl

Working girl
Working girl

Verse 2
I like the working girls
I like the way that they move
I like the working girls
And the things that they do

I like the ER doctor
Who said I needed rest
I like the dental hygienist
That nametag on her chest

I like the 9-to-5’er
In her sexy business suit
I like that gallery sales girl
Manolo Blahnik boots-boom!

Chorus
They understand
The value of a buck
They know hard work
And they like to whoa!

Who needs a model
Known all over the world
Give this working man
A working girl

Working girl
Working girl

Bridge
I was seventeen
It was English literature
I fell for my first working girl
She was the teacher

If I had the time
I’d buy ‘em all pearls
‘Cause, I couldn’t get by
Without my working girls

Chorus
They understand
The value of a buck
They know hard work
And they like to whoa!

Who needs a model
Known all over the world
Give this working man
A working girl
Working girl
Working girl


6

But, You Can't Have The Dog K. Jacob

Verse 1
We had a good run
Better than most
Now that’s in the rearview
We’re love’s angry ghost

Been a lot of things said
Too many things done
We’re better off
At a table for one

Chorus
You can take the big screen
You can take the car
You can have the house
I hope it gets you real far

‘Cause I’m tired of fighting
And livin’ in a fog
You can take everything
But, you can’t have the dog

Verse 2
You can take my AC/DC albums
Break them into pieces
I’ll wrinkle your Luke Bryan poster
Now he has creases

We can try to hurt each other
Any way we want
I might be crazy
But, you are a nut

Chorus
You can take the big screen
You can take the car
You can have the house
I hope it gets you real far

‘Cause I’m tired of fighting
And livin’ in a fog
You can take everything
But, you can’t have the dog

Bridge
When you were out dancin’
He was steppin’ on my feet
When we weren’t romancin’
He would curl up next to me

He’s been with me
Through thick and thin
Whatever you’re getting
You’re not getting him

Chorus
You can take the big screen
You can take the car
You can have the house
I hope it gets you real far

‘Cause I’m tired of fighting
And livin’ in a fog
You can take everything
But, you can’t have the dog

You can’t have the dog
You can’t have the dog

Chorus
You can take the big screen
You can take the car
You can have the house
I hope it gets you real far

‘Cause I’m tired of fighting
And livin’ in a fog
You can take everything
But, you can’t have the dog

You can keep on singin’
Your victory song
You think you won, ha, ha!
But, I got the dog

I got the dog
I got the dog
I got the dog


7

My Father's Voice K. Jacob

Verse 1
I always dreamed of inheriting millions
A fat lawyer would read the sweet news to me
In a big fancy office in a downtown high-rise
I’d smile and dream of the things that I’d buy

We weren’t rich, Dad turned a wrench
But, he always had time for his boy
At nighttime he’d sit on the edge of my bed
And, I’d fall asleep to my father’s voice

Chorus
Son, anything worth doin’ is worth doin’ right
Be good to fellow man, prepare to fight
Stand up for yourself & when wrong bullies right
Sleep well, my son
My son, goodnight

Verse 2
I got the call time likely brings
“Are you sitting down?” The stranger asked me
The lawyer was skinny, his office was humble
He asked me to please have a seat

He said, “Your father loved you
He worked hard to guide you
Now, there’s something that you have to see”

A box of war medals
An old house deed
And a handwritten letter
From my father to read

Chorus
Son, anything worth doin’ is worth doin’ right
Be good to fellow man, prepare to fight
Stand up for yourself & when wrong bullies right
Sleep well, my son
My son, goodnight

Bridge
A world of difference twenty years makes
I raised a good son despite my mistakes
After love, divorce, lawyers & remorse
I didn’t have much left to leave

Son, there’s no mansion
There’s no Rolls Royce
The best gift I can leave you
Is my father’s voice

Chorus
Son, anything worth doin’ is worth doin’ right
Be good to fellow man, prepare to fight
Stand up for yourself & when wrong bullies right
Sleep well, my son
My son, goodnight

Chorus
Anything worth doin’ is worth doin’ right
Be good to fellow man, prepare to fight
Stand up for yourself & when wrong bullies right
Sleep well, my son
My son, goodnight


8

My Redneck Neighbor K. Jacob


9

One Woman I'm Good (Two Women I'm Bad) K. Jacob

Verse 1
I haven’t been honest
With most of these girls
I’m not saying I’m right
But, it’s been my world

One woman for life
Kept me up at night
I’d toss and I’d turn
And I’d start a fight

Chorus
But, I kicked the habit
Of runnin’ around
Old folks would say
Ya, Keith, you settled down

But, I found a woman
Who thinks like a man
One woman, I’m good
Two women, I’m bad

Verse 2
She does all the work, uh-huh
They never see her comin’, uh-huh
After a few, she’ll say
“You’d like my husband”

It doesn’t always fly
But, you’d be surprised
How just one woman
Has tied down this guy

Chorus
I kicked the habit
Of runnin’ around
Old folks would say
Ya, he settled down

But, I found a woman
Who thinks like a man
One woman, I’m good
Two women, I’m bad

Bridge
Some think it’s sinful
It just ain’t right
But, this one woman and I
We never fight

I’m livin’ large
Ya, it’s good bein’ me
When it comes to our love
One and one equals… three

Chorus
I kicked the habit
Of runnin’ around
Old folks would say
Remember Keith, he settled down

But, I found a woman
Who thinks like a man
One woman, I’m good
Two women, I’m bad

Half Chorus
I found a woman
Who thinks like a man
One woman, I’m good
Two women, I’m bad

One woman I’m good, two women I’m bad
One woman I’m good, two women I’m bad
One woman I’m good, two women I’m bad

Half Chorus
I found a woman
Who thinks like a man
One woman, I’m good
Two women, I’m bad


10

I Loved 'Em All K. Jacob

Verse 1
Ever since I was a young boy
I've had one thing on my mind
If you're a man, you'll understand
It's girls of all kind

Thou shall not covet
The righteous people say
But, they don’t see the girls I meet
When we show up to play

Chorus
I've had girls I met in bars
Backseats of cars
Playmates, models,
& a couple pop stars

A working girl in Rio
A saint in Montecito
The daughter of a preacher
& I'm hot for teachers

I love Kiki camisoles
On LA Barbie Dolls
It melts me when a Georgia girl
Lights up that Southern drawl

Had 'em short, had 'em tall
Backstage against a wall
I've had a ball
& I loved 'em all

Verse 2
We want what we can't have
On the other side of that fence
God knows I can’t resist
A Texas girl’s accent

She could have long hair or short
Be a blonde or brunette
My favorite girl of all
Is the one that I’ll love next

Chorus
I've had girls I met in bars
Backseats of cars
Playmates, models,
& a couple pop stars

A working girl in Rio
A saint in Montecito
The daughter of a preacher
& I'm hot for teachers

I love Kiki camisoles
On LA Barbie Dolls
It melts me when a Georgia girl
Lights up that Southern drawl

Had 'em short, had 'em tall
Backstage against a wall
I've had a ball
& I loved 'em all

Verse 3
I get asked all the time
It makes my head just spin
I have my answers ready
Before her questions end

Don't you believe in love?
Don't you want a wife?
Someone to care for you
The rest of your life

That sounds good to me, uh-huh
But, baby I'm not sold, huh-uh
It doesn't always end that way
At least that's what I'm told

Just keep on hittin' me
With your moral boxing gloves
Let me tell you what I like &
About my kind of love

Chorus
I've had girls I met in bars
Backseats of cars
Playmates, models,
& a couple pop stars

A working girl in Rio
A saint in Montecito
The daughter of a preacher
& I'm hot for teachers

I love Kiki camisoles
On LA Barbie Dolls
It melts me when a Georgia girl
Lights up that Southern drawl

Had 'em short, had 'em tall
Backstage against a wall
I've had a ball
& I loved 'em all


11

Cowboy Hat K. Jacob

Verse 1
Let’s hear it for the cowboy
The one who likes to fight (female vox)
Let’s hear it for the cowboy
The one who’s rough just right (female vox)
Let’s hear it for the cowboy
The one with me tonight (female vox)

Chorus 
We drive a truck with a gun in the rack
Ya, we get knocked down, but we come right back
We work real hard, ya we’re matter-of-fact
Come on let me hear it for the cowboy hat

Verse 2
Let’s hear it for the cowgirl (female vox)
The one who dances right
Let’s hear it for the cowgirl (female vox)
The one who just might
Let’s hear it for the cowgirl (female vox)
The one with you tonight

Chorus 
We drive a truck with a gun in the rack
Ya, we get knocked down, but we come right back
We work real hard, ya we’re matter-of-fact
Come on let me hear it for the cowboy hat

Bridge
Southern California, Nashville Tennessee
Denton down to Houston, NYC
If it’s in your blood, it’s where you’re at
Come on let me hear it for the cowboy hat 

Chorus 
We drive a truck with a gun in the rack
Ya, we get knocked down, but we come right back
We work real hard, ya we’re matter-of-fact
Come on Dallas, Texas wave your cowboy hat

Chorus 
We drive a truck with a gun in the rack
Ya, we get knocked down, but we come right back
We work real hard, ya we’re matter-of-fact
Come on everybody wave your cowboy hat


12

Rock 'N' Roll Cliche K. Jacob

Verse 1
I’ve been unfaithful and I’ve gotten high
My 4th wife will tell you I’m a great guy
I make strangers smile & I’ve made family cry
I’ve been a good man and I’ve been known to lie

Chorus
I’ve played the bars, been stiffed on my pay
I’ve played arenas, sold out the UK
I’m ashamed and I’m proud, what can I say?
I am a rock ‘n roll cliché

Verse 2
I have a fraction of what I have made
Everyone takes a cut before I get paid
I’ve got a few kids, just as many ex-wives
I lived on the road too much of their lives

Chorus
I’ve played the bars, been stiffed on my pay
I’ve played arenas, sold out the UK
I’m ashamed and I’m proud, what can I say?
I am a rock ‘n roll cliché

Bridge
Been called an artist, been called a charade
I’ve slept with Valium, woke-up with cocaine
Sold records on talent & a few on my looks
Mine is the story of movies and books

I’ve had it made and I’ve just gotten by
Hell, I’ve been left for dead, but I didn’t die
No longer Top-40, my hair’s a bit gray
But I’m still here and these boys can still play

Chorus
I’ve played the bars, been stiffed on my pay
I’ve played arenas, sold out the UK
I’m ashamed and I’m proud, what can I say?
I am a rock ‘n roll cliché

I’m ashamed and I’m proud what can I say?
I am a rock ‘n roll cliché


13

Ranch Hand K. Jacob

Verse 1
Ballerina, cheerleader
From U of Kentucky
She played the horses
You know she got lucky

Bentley ride
Lived up in the Hills
Investment banker types
Never give her thrills

Chorus
She didn’t keep a secret
‘Bout her type of man
She liked him hard, horseback
Dirty and tanned

She chased cowboys
Like city girls chase bands
She’s the beautiful rich girl
Who liked the ranch hand

Verse 2
Working boys stopped
When she showed up to ride
Those boots, tight pants
That horse by her side

Her legend grew
Across cowboy land
She covered cowboys
Like the ocean covers sand

Chorus
She didn’t keep a secret
‘Bout her type of man
She liked him hard, horseback
Dirty and tanned

She chased cowboys
Like city girls chase bands
She’s the beautiful rich girl
Who liked the ranch hand

Bridge
She rode ‘em hard
She put ‘em up wet
She ate cowboys for breakfast
Lunch on Sunset

Many have seen her
Others hold out hope
Every day they go to work
Every time they throw a rope

Chorus x 2
She didn’t keep a secret
‘Bout her type of man
She liked him hard, horseback
Dirty and tanned

She chased cowboys
Like city girls chase bands
She’s the beautiful rich girl
Who liked the ranch hand


14

The Crazy Ones (Are The Best In Bed) K. Jacob

Verse 1
She’s been to Indy, Super Bowl
Vegas on a private jet
She’s Gucci, Prada
But, can’t afford to pay her rent

Guest list, VIP
Her good looks are currency
Crystals, candles
Don’t bring up astrology!

Chorus
Xanax, Codeine
Effexor & Vicodin
Lexapro, Wellbutrin
She goes to sleep on Ambien

If you haven’t heard
A thing I’ve said
The crazy ones
Are the best in bed

Verse 2
New York, Miami
She moved out to LA
Restaurants, nightclubs
Has no money for valet

Aspen, Hamptons
A Kentucky Derby bet
Theories, conspiracies
But, she can’t name the President

Chorus
Xanax, Codeine
Effexor & Vicodin
Lexapro, Wellbutrin
She goes to sleep on Ambien

If you haven’t heard
A thing I’ve said
The crazy ones
Are the best in bed
Guitar!

Verse 3
Saline, silicon
Always on her damn cell phone
Medical marijuana
Her script filled in Tijuana

DUI, takes a cab
Checked herself out of rehab
Charities, ya, she looks fab
Parties on a rich man’s tab

Half-Chorus
If you haven’t heard
A thing I’ve said
The crazy ones
Are the best in bed

Bridge
I’m not a doctor
But, it’s easy to see
Crazy’s got someone in common
And, God knows it’s me

I must not be perfect
How arrogant of me
To think that I may not be
C-R-A-Z-E-E

Outros
Have you heard the one about her lesbian friend?
The crazy ones are the best in bed

She tells stories that never end
The crazy ones are the best in bed

I have no idea what she just said
The crazy ones are the best in bed

If you haven’t heard a thing I’ve said
The crazy ones are the best in bed


15

Man In A Country Song K. Jacob